


Dilaudid

by UhReid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24745771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UhReid/pseuds/UhReid
Summary: After Prentiss’ apparent “death” (season 6/7), Reid turns back to Dilaudid in order to get away from the pain of losing a friend that was practically family.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Once

**Author's Note:**

> *formatting got wacked and I can't be bothered to fix it... sorry :/  
> Okay- I don’t really know how trigger warning work or what warnings are needed BUT I think TW; drugs/addiction/ minor death that you already know about  
> Is that good?  
> I think I’m going to make this a series within a series ooo!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer starts using again.

> _ "She never made it off the table." _

Reid paused for a moment. 

Stood. 

He had known this was a possibility- in fact he had known it was the likely outcome of the situation, but he couldn't have known what this would feel like before it happened. 

He rushed forward towards the large doors of the hospital and brushed past JJ. He had hoped she would stop him, that someone would stop him, but they all let him go.

In his car, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, knuckles turning white, he let out a sob. One after another, tears rolled down his cheeks onto the purple tie hanging nonchalantly around his neck. Gasping for air, he clawed at it and threw it to the side, then let his head fall between his hands on the wheel.

He stayed there for a long while, waiting for something to happen. Anything. He wanted to wake up from the nightmare, or for, by some miracle, Emily to come walking out of the doors and sit in the seat beside him. Let him know that she was all right with some snide remark.

When the doors of the hospital infront of him opened, he glanced up. The rest of his team was leaving the building, all of them red faced and puffy eyed. On noticing Reid’s car, they took gentle strides towards him but he quickly put the key into the ignition and pulled onto the gloomy streets of midnight.

In his apartment, early golden rays of sun seeping through the blinds made the rooms seem lonelier than ever. Spencer sat on his couch, head buried in hands. After a moment, he looked up across the room to a small set of wooden drawers. Inside the very top, two thumb-sized bottles of clear liquid sat, taunting Reid.

He shook his head, remembering his time after Tobias Hankle. It was so difficult to get his mind off of Dilaudid then, he couldn’t imagine what it would be like if he tried to quit in his current state. Spencer stood and walked into his bedroom where his sheets and comforter were neatly made up from a time when Emily wasn’t gone.

He quickly slipped his shoes and jacket off, and lay on the bed, eyes slowly drifting closed. As soon as his eyelids shut and darkness came, fragments of Emily getting placed into the ambulance, bleeding and half-conscious, flooded back into his mind. 

He layed fully clothed in bed for hours, unable to calm his mind down enough to sleep. Tossing and turning only seemed to make his restlessness worse.

As light flooded through the crack under his door, it seemed to call Reid into his living room. He crossed to his couch where he once again sat and placed his head in his hands. 

_ Why didn’t I just get rid of it?  _ He asked himself, glancing at the collection of drawers across from him.

He could never bring himself to dispose of the bottles, just in case times like these rolled around, he supposed.

Reid stood and paced briefly, checked his cell phone in hopes of a case to distract him. Only a few texts from his team members checking in on him. Was he okay?  _ How are  _ they  _ okay? _ He asked himself, and threw his cell back onto the counter. 

He paced across his home several more times, reread a book or two from his bookshelf, then threw himself onto his couch. Spencer couldn’t seem to quite his mind for one second, and keep it from going back and forth between all the things that had happened to him in the past, the tragedies that have struck him now, and the growing dread for the future.

He continuously wiped the tears dripping out of his eyes, unable to stop them or exactly pinpoint the reason for them being there. 

_ Just this once _ , he told himself as he quickly crossed to the wooden drawers on the opposite side of the room. The promise “once” floating around his head, knowing how easy it would be to break. He pulled the string to close his blinds and enveloped one of the small bottles into his palm. Searching his kitchen drawers and several other rooms for a needle, he refused to open his hand, as if to convince himself he wasn’t about to do what he was.

Finally laying eyes upon a syringe, he walked slowly back to his couch and sat. He thought about thinking this through but soon realized he couldn’t find any truly good reason to put the vile back into the drawer. 

With a deep breath, Spencer tightly wrapped a neck tie around his upper arm until he could clearly see a blue vein protruding from the light skin.

Slowly the syringe filled with clear liquid and was carefully flicked and inspected for any air bubbles. It was if Reid couldn’t even feel himself going through the motions, and he quickly stuck the vein with the needle and pressed the fluid into his arm.

A cool, relaxing feeling crawled through Spencer’s skin, pressing his head into the couch and his feet further into the floor. His eyes fell shut and his mind sunk back into a daze of memories, icy white and red hot all at once.

A ring drifted harmoniously through Spencer’s living room, his eyes opening slowly. The midday light now seeping through his eyes seemed to shift colors gently, from light yellow, to pale blues and pinks, and back again. 

The phone continued to ring, taking Reid away from the stunned state he was in. He blinked a few times as his phone chimed with a new voicemail. Spencer dropped his head back onto the couch and tried to float away once again, but his phone rang and chimed once more. He sat up and pressed his fingers into his eyes, trying to get rid of the spots floating around his vision. He looked around, his whereabouts beginning to unblur and a more steady thought process beginning to form in his mind. By the time his phone rang again, he was able to flip it open and fumble for the green button.

“Hey kid, I was just about to send JJ over to check on you. Is everything okay?” 

“Mmm, yeah fine.” Reid mumbled, realizing his left hand had fallen asleep because of the tie knotted around his arm.

“Really?” Derek waited for a response as Reid tucked the phone between his neck and shoulder in order to unfasten the purple and white fabric. When he got no response, he continued, “Alright, well, we have a case. I’m sorry, I know a day isn’t much but the other teams are busy with their own cases and we’re all that’s left. Bad guys can’t just give us a rest.”

Reid nodded slowly, then froze, “Wait, a day?” He looked out the window at the sun high in the sky.

“Kid, Prentiss- uh-” Spencer could hear Derek trying to form the right words, “Two nights ago…”

“Right, yes, of course,” Reid shook his head and started looking around for his shoes before noticing that they were already on his feet.

“Can you get here in 20 minutes?” Derek paused, “Everyone would understand if you wanted to sit this one out… It’s gonna take a lot for any of us to be here, but we know you were clo-”

“No, of course I can make it.” Reid knew he needed a distraction and grabbed his coat from the foot of his bed. “See you in 20.”

Spencer hung up the phone and moved to slip it in his pocket but dropped it before making it in. He rubbed his eyes once again, and grabbed an old shirt dangling out of his dresser. In his bathroom, he studied himself in the mirror. The circles under his eyes were even more prominent than usual, his hair a mess on top of his head, with a dazed, sleepy expression on. He pressed down his hair and splashed cold water against his face, finishing with fastening the same tie he’d used the other night on his arm, around his neck. 

Spencer’s eyes remained red and puffy but he appeared more awake and present than before. His ride on the subway seemed perfectly fine until the end, when he remembered how many germs he had just shared with the other passengers.

Arriving at the office 40 minutes after the call, Spencer slinked into the room filled with his fellow, red eyed coworkers, not receiving a second glance from any of them. Penelope blandly continued to recited the case, slowly flipping the images across the screen, and Hotch quietly let out a “Wheels up in 30.”

Spencer sat down at his desk and looked down to see a small blotch of blood on his tie from the needle prick, as well as a small, fresh scab on his arm just below his cuffed sleeves. He quickly slipped on his jacket and removed his tie, jamming it in his pocket. He looked around briskly, but everyone else remained in their dazed state.

Hand in pocket, Reid felt the small bottle next to his finger tips.  _ Had he not put it back? _

“Hey wonder boy,” Penelope whispered with a slight forced smile, and sat down across from Spencer, who pulled his hand out of his pocket and raised it in greeting. “How are you feeling?”

Reid shrugged and allowed himself the first deep breath since he had gotten the call that morning. Penelope nodded in understanding and patted his hand, then stood to go talk with the other members of the unit. 

On the way to the jet, he fiddled with the vile in his pocket. He understood how bad it would be if he used again, but it seemed that Dilaudid made him the happiest he’s been in quite a while.

After a brief and somber brainstorm session, the team was assigned their respective tasks for once the plane landed in an hour. Reid was to head right to the police station and begin working on a geographical profile.

Through the plane ride, Spencer stared at the pages of a book, periodically flipping the pages but barely thinking about the words written on them. He couldn’t keep his mind from going back and forth between memories of Emily to the options he had regarding the clear liquid in his pocket. When he caught himself staring ahead of his book, he quickly looked around and turned the page, hoping no one saw him staring into space. No that they would blame him, as that seemed to be what everyone else was doing too.

When the team got back to land, Reid was escorted by Hotch, Morgan, and JJ into a black SUV provided by the local PD. The drive to the station was short, and they all walked confidently into the building not wanting to let on their grief.

“You must be Agent Hotchner,” A large man in uniform strided over to the quartet and held out a hand. “Officer Doges, this is SSA Morgan, Jareau, and Dr Spencer Reid.” They took turns shaking each others hands, apart from Reid who nodded curtly.

“Jareau, the families of the victims are right in that room,” Officer Doges directed her to a separate area, then walked the other three into the conference room where a board was set up for them. “This is all we’ve got so far, I’ll have someone bring in the case files.” He shook hands with everyone once again and walked out the door.

Morgan’s phone began to ring and he quickly pulled it open, “We’ll be right there.” Derek nodded at Hotch, “There’s another victim.”

“Reid, stay here, go over the case files and get started on the maps.” Hotch stood and they strode out of the room.

Spencer took another deep breath and leaned back in his chair.

“Hi! You must be Dr Reid?” A young, raven haired woman walked through the door, a stack of files in her arms.

“Yes, hi, that’s me,” Spencer stumbled over his words and stood with an awkward smile.

The woman chuckled and set the files down before extending an arm, “Detective Reynolds, but Emily is fine.” She smiled widely and her eyes crinkled the same way Prentiss’ did whenever she laughed. Reid swallowed and forced a smile before taking a file and beginning to flip through it. The lady dropped her hand and let out a disgruntled sound before stomping out of the room.

Spencer took a deep breath. He had hoped that working this case would help him keep his mind off of Emily’s death, as well as off of using again, but that didn’t seem like an option for him, and there seemed to be only one option left. He stood and asked a different officer where the restrooms were and locked himself in. He knew if he took a lesser dose the drug would cause a more euphoric effect, rather than a relaxed one.

Reid rummaged through the cabinet in search of a first aid kit. When he laid his hands upon one he selected a small syringe from inside and set it on the counter. He pulled the tie out of his pocket and once again knotted it above his elbow, then slowly filled the syringe with a smaller amount than he had previously. With a deep breath, Spencer sank the tip of the needle just under the older prick, into a protruding blue vein. Once all the liquid had been emptied from the syringe, a rush set through his body, up his spine and down to his toes.

He placed the needle into his pocket, along with the vile and tie. In the mirror he saw a different version of himself than the one he had seen that morning. He appeared crisper, more content, farther away from all the memories that wanted to haunt him.

Reid unlocked the door and stepped out, taking a breath of the stuffy air that flitted through the station. He felt like he could hear every noise around him- the ruffling of papers, the coffee machine making caffeinated beverages in the distance. Around him, everything seemed more vibrant than before, if only a little bit. He strode back into the conference room and read through all the case files, a bit slower than he normally would, as much as Reid hated to admit it. He knew that using opioid based drugs would slow his ability to function, and slow was not something Spencer was used to. All the same, he accepted that there were some things he’d have to sacrifice in order to divert himself from the past.

On the board, Reid began to work up a map of the UnSub’s comfort zone. With over 5 victims all nearby, it wasn’t difficult to see where this serial killer was most likely living.

As Spencer stuck his last pin into the map, the rest of the team walked through the door. 

“Tell us what you know,” Hotch said, as he sat down, straightening his shirt.

“Although the victims were found at five different locations, the drop-sights form almost a perfect circle around this one neighborhood.” The words flew abruptly out of Spencer’s mouth, on the verge of being almost too jumbled to understand.

Taken aback, Derek cleared his throat, “Woah, kid, slow down,” He chuckled.

“Sorry,” Reid pushed some stray hairs behind his ear and pulled his lips into a smile.

“So what does that tell us?” JJ asked, reaching for one of the case files across the table.

“Most likely that the-” Reid caught himself tripping over his words again and took a deep breath, “Most likely that the UnSub lives within this neighborhood, although it may be that the neighborhood has some other sort of significance to him. Like where his family lives, or where he grew up.”

JJ eyed him slowly but when Reid sat down across from everyone else, she went back to looking at the file open in front of her.

The rest of the team sat in silence and reviewed all the case files in front of them.

“Alright, I think we’re ready to give the profile,” Hotch announced and walked out the door to tell everyone else in the station to meet them in the conference room.

The team helped line the floor with chairs to make sure the whole police department would be able to get a spot, and once every chair was taken, the BAU stood in front of them.

“We believe this killer is a male, mid to late 20s, with very severe OCD,” Derek projected through the room.

“Most likely living in, or frequently visiting Beach Wood neighborhood.” JJ continued, and the rest of the team went around delivering the profile.

When the speech was passed to Reid, he froze for a moment, realizing he had been spaced out for the entirety of the profile and didn’t know what had and hadn’t yet been covered.

“Reid,” Hotchner nodded in his direction and the team turned to look at him, along with everyone else in the room.

“Right, um…” Reid brushed the hair out of his face and began frantically flipping through the case file, hoping it would somehow reveal what he was supposed to say.

After a long silence only combated with the rustling of Spencer’s files, Derek came to his rescue. “Remember to stay cautious and aware at all times, we believe this UnSub is armed and very dangerous. He will not hesitate before shooting. Now, let’s go catch this son of a bitch.”

The officers in the room grunted in agreement and gradually began to leave the room. The team followed suit, but Hotchner called Reid to stay back. “I’d understand if you want to sit the rest of this one out.” He subtly scanned Spencer’s face, analyzing his frazzled expression and far off look. “And, if you need to talk, I’m here.”

“That’s alright, I’ll keep working.” Spencer tried to turn around and walk away, but Hotchner stopped him again. 

“I’m going to rephrase.” He paused, for dramatic effect, Reid presumed. “Sit this one out.”

“No!” Reid spun back around to face a shocked Aaron. “I don’t need to ‘sit this one out’!” He taunted, “I need this. I need this case.”

“Spencer,” Hotchner stared at the young man, appalled. “I’m getting the jet set up to take you home. Now.”


	2. Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer may have taken it too far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not great with my drug knowledge aha so i don’t really know how they work all that much. I’m just going off of what I’ve read and seen in movies and TV, thanks for understanding.  
> Also I did not edit this b/c i'm lazy- apologies in advance for typos, etc.

Reid slowly walked into the empty jet.

**“** We’ll see you when we get back to Quantico.” Hotch’s face softened, “Try to get some rest.”

Spencer shook his head in annoyance and sat down in his usual seat. When Hotch closed the door and left Spencer to stare at the empty seats around him, he threaded a hand through his hair. How could’ve he let this happen? He knew it was a mistake to take the vile with him on the case. 

Reid stood and started pacing around the jet. He soon found himself laughing at the absurdity of everything going on. He knew it was just from the drugs, but it felt good to be laughing again after everything that had happened to him so recently.

Spencer popped his hand into his pocket to grab the vile, for comfort he supposed, but it wasn’t there. He’d left it in his brief case, which he soon realized he left in the police station.

Panic flooded his body. There was no reason anyone would go through it, but then again, that was out of his control. He sat down in one of the cushy leather seats and rubbed a hand against his forehead. Everything had been done in such a rush, there was no time for his foggy mind to even  _ think _ about grabbing his bag.

Reid took a sharp gasp of air before tears that he had been holding back for days came flooding out of him. Ever since he had made the decision to take the dilaudid out of his cabinet, he had made the decision to stop grieving the death of his close friend, which only made him feel worse. In this moment, Spencer knew there was no going back to life before Dilaudid, because without it he had never felt so alone, so trapped in his own mind, so unable to escape the confinements of pain and sorrow.

Spencer stayed in the same position, head balanced in hands, for the rest of the plane ride, allowing himself to grieve, hoping it would make the pain go away. But alas, when he was dropped back off at his house, puffy eyes, head throbbing from the crying and the earliest stages of withdrawal, he felt even worse than before.

In his apartment, the second vile still remained in his living room cabinet. In a fog, Reid absentmindedly crossed to the wooden shelves and went through the motions that had helped him through his pain on numerous occasions. Carefully, he filled his syringe with only slightly more limpid liquid than the first few times, as a sort of experiment to see how much of the drug his body could take before he  _ completely  _ lost lucidity.

He couldn’t tell if it had been only minutes since he’d returned home, or hours, or days, when a knock on the door yanked him from his heavy daze, and returned his mind to the limp body sprawled across his couch.

“Spence…?” JJ’s voice cautiously drifted through Reid’s closed door.

Spencer rubbed his eyes, then threw his arms back across the couch.

JJ knocked again, and waited for a few seconds before continuing. “We finished the case. The UnSub was named Mark Wernden, if you’re listening. I’ve got your briefcase with me.” Another pause. “I’ll just leave it out here for you.”

Reid rolled himself so he faced the back of his couch, away from his slightly cracked blinds that were letting in too much sun for his aching head and eyes.

When he could look away from the couch’s fabric without squinting, Reid sluggishly pulled himself away and dragged himself towards the kitchen. Despite the world seeming drowsy and surreal, he knew he hadn’t consumed anything since his coffee the morning he left on the jet, which, according to the digital clock shining on his microwave, was well over 36 hours ago. 

Sitting down to a meal of over cooked french fries, Reid’s home phone rang. He tried to rush to the phone, stumbling excessively along the way.

Out of breath, Reid mumbled a “Hello?”

“Oh, oh thank goodness…” Garcia sang from the other end, “we’ve been calling for hours! Derek just left to check on you- your cell phone kept going to voicemail and JJ said you didn’t answer your door…”

“Wait… Derek’s coming here?” He managed to get out.

“Yes! Yes, we were worried… are you alright?”

“My phone’s just dead.” Reid said, getting agitated while trying to clean up his apartment and appearance before Derek arrived. 

“I’m sorry we- we just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Well, I am,” Reid audibly winced as he banged his hip against a counter top.

“What happened?”  
“Nothing Garcia!” He yelled and slammed the phone onto the table, then continued to stumble around the house, and into the bathroom to wash his face.

Reid vigorously scrubbed his cheeks, forehead and eyes, periodically looking up at himself in the mirror to track if any progress was being made. Certainly his eyes seemed more alive than before, the switching of freezing to scalding water bringing him more and more into his own body. The puffiness around his eyes decreased as well. He pulled a comb haphazardly through his hair just as he heard the front door unlock.

“Kid?” Morgan called from the other room, and Reid dashed out from his bedroom, much steadier than before. “Oh thank God,” Morgan sighed in relief.

Spencer stood in the middle of the floor, not entirely sure what to do. Getting some food in his stomach, moving around and just splashing himself with water had definitely helped him regain some clarity, but everything was still fuzzy and slow moving.

“You feeling alright?” Derek started approaching the young man, who took a few steps back into the doorway.

“Fine.” Reid decided to say and gave a half-smile.

“Alright,” Derek skeptically furrowed his brow and gave the kid a once over, “Hotch has still got lots of case files on his desk. You gonna be up for the next one?”

“Sure thing.” Reid nodded and slowly crossed to the door, being careful to keep his balance. “See you, then. Thanks for stopping by.” He opened the door, ushering Derek out.

“Of course, and, hey, if you need to talk.” Derek gestured towards himself, and Reid gave him a curt nod as he walked out, closing the door behind him.

Spencer looked around his apartment for his phone, which was jammed in his crumpled up pants on the bedroom floor. Normally, Spencer realized, that would have bothered him- having clothes and blankets and empty french fry tuperwears strewn about his apartment- but now, he couldn’t bring himself to pick anything up off the floor. He was drained and he couldn’t tell why. He felt empty and alone, despite having just been checked on by two people that cared about him. Still, he crossed to his living room cabinets and popped out the vile and syringe.

Placing them on his kitchen counter, he pulled his cell phone out of his shirt pocket and plugged it in, knowing it was the only way to keep his team members at bay.

Reid looked down at the items he had just placed on the wooden surface, knowing, now that he was practically sober and had a moment to think, that he should be more careful.

He did have friends, and he was worrying them. He had a job that he loved, even if it could be trying at times, and take one of his best friends away from him.

Reid pushed his hair out of his face, contemplating his options. As his phone turned on, it being erratically dinging and buzzing, informing him of his 58 missed calls and voicemails from Garcia, along with text messages from the rest of the team, asking where his head was at and if he was feeling alright. He sighed deeply, leaning against the island in the middle of his kitchen, facing the clear liquid accompanied by the needle. Subconsciously, his finger tapped against the side of the counter, and his palms began sweating. He rubbed them together, and noticed that his shirt was sticking to his back and there were beads of water forming on his forehead. 

Of course he knew he would be going through withdrawal, he just didn’t expect so soon. But, considering the dosage and frequency of his use, it made sense.

Reid shivered and allowed himself to get into bed, constantly switching from tightly wrapping himself in the comforter to throwing it off in discomfort.

Tossing and turning, Reid slipped in and out of sleep, running to the bathroom when a wave of nausea hit him. When he found himself hunched over the toilet at 3am, his phone rang in the kitchen.

Wiping his mouth, Reid walked as quickly as he could to the phone, getting to it just as Garcia was leaving a voicemail. Reid pulled himself up onto the island to listen to a bit of the voicemail before answering.

“Hey there… I heard you were really okay… happy to hear that. We have a case. It’s a big one- that’s why I’ve possibly awoken you at three in the morning uhm. There’s someone on a spree. He’s killed 4 woman in the past 4 hours. Hotch is trying to get everyone in the briefing room in lik-”

“Hey, Garcia” Reid breathed into the phone. His stomach ached more than it ever had in his life.

“Oh- hi! You sound so tired, I’m sorry for calling, I should’ve let-”

“Garcia, when do you need me in?” He croaked, moving the phone away from his mouth so he could take a few deep breaths.

“He wants everyone in an hour, seeing as it is really early and everyone’ll need time to get ready of course-”

“Alright, see you soon.” Reid hang up his cell phone and ran a hand through his damp, messy hair. He slowly worked his way into the shower and let the cold water run along his body, easing the sporadic waves of heat washing over him. He brushed his teeth, combed his hair and finally put on a new button up shirt and pants.

Back into the kitchen again, Reid was still shaking and nauseous and he knew there was only one way he was going to be even remotely functionable for this case. He crossed to the kitchen counter holding the Dilaudid and took a deep breath.  _ This is necessary,  _ he told himself, it’s the only way you’ll be able to go to work, to help catch the unSub.

Reid once again folded his sleeve above his elbow and knotted his designated tie just under the sleeve cuff. With another deep breath, his shaky hands filled the syringe and made their way to his arm.

He set back down the bottle and empty syringe on his coffee table, undid the tie and unfolded his sleeve. He hoisted his briefcase over his shoulder and began making his way to the door when he stopped, hand on door knob. His heart was racing, he was out of breath, and the nausea came back a thousand times worse than before. Reid sped back over to his couch and grabbed the vile and syringe, trying to remember how much of the transparent liquid he had drawn into the needle.

Reid had meant to halve what he had taken before, but he couldn’t recall if he had actually done that. He had been doing it so quickly, as it seemed like a second nature to him now, but  _ had _ he done the right amount?

Spencer buried his head and his hands, squeezed his eyes shut and tried to remember, but he couldn’t. The world was slowing again around him, and he was out before his head hit the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah, this is sloppy but it’s been too long since I’ve posted anything so here it is anyways. I hope you enjoyed despite the 0 planning and my mind just taking me where it did. Lemme know if you maybe want to get tagged in new installments of this piece? I also ALWAYS love feedback- constructive criticism or just let me know what you thought. Thanks so much for reading and also for expressing your support of this piece- it really means so much!


	3. Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer makes a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, formatting is screwy-- sorry

Garcia looked to the clock on the wall and then at the last empty chair around the circular table. 

“Reid did say he would be here…?” Hotch joined Garcia’s gaze, signifying the fifteen mark after the team was called.

“Maybe he’s just running late?” Garcia hoped, but Derek shook his head.

“I don’t know guys, the kid didn’t seem too good when I checked on him earlier, maybe someone should stop by again…”

JJ sprang out of her chair to volunteer and Hotch nodded. “We’ll catch you up when you get back.”

She sped out of the room and into the parking garage. 

Barely obeying the laws of the road, JJ made her way to Reid’s apartment building.

_ /I should’ve checked on him before./  _ She nagged at herself, / _ I should’ve made him answer the door, I should’ve talked to him./ _

JJ took a deep breath and knocked lightly on Reid’s door.

“Spence!” She spoke softly, “It’s JJ.”

After he didn’t answer she knocked louder, eventually banging on the door and shouting Spencer’s name, her throat beginning to grow horse.

She frantically dumped the contents of her purse out onto the floor in front of Reid’s door for the key he had given her after they had finally grown close enough.

She rummaged around in the pile of lipsticks, kids snacks and old receipts until she found it, and fumbled with it before inserting it into the keyhole. With trembling hands she turned the key and door knob and rushed into his apartment. Her eyes wildly searched his apartment but her legs felt frozen in place. At sight of the small glass vile perched on the kitchen counter with a syringe beside it, her heart dropped to the dark wooden floor below, and a ringing filled her head as she ran forward.

She fell to the floor beside the couch and the limp body of her best friend, strewn so helplessly across the worn down faux-leather of his sofa. She could feel the tears fall from her eyes with no hope of stopping as she scrambled with her cell phone, dialing 9-1-1 as quickly as she could. She stumbled over her words, barely aware of what she was saying, grasping the hand of her friend and feeling a faint pulse in his wrist. Once an ambulance had been dispatched she climbed on top of him and pumped his chest up and down, desperately trying to keep him there with her. His eyes fluttered but JJ couldn’t see anything behind them, as if he were off in another world.

A series of grueling minutes passed and a team of paramedics barged through the door. JJ took a step back, watching in disbelief as they lifted her best friend onto a stretcher and strapped an oxygen mask around his mouth, rushing him back through the doors.

She stood there. Minutes had passed, and she couldn’t believe the world around her was real. Blinking a few times, she fumbled again for her phone and hovered over the keypad. Who should she call? What should she doe? Was there anything she / _ could/  _ do?

She put her phone back into her pocket and walked to the door. With her hand on the brass knob, she looked around the apartment. It was a mess- she had never seen it like this before. How could she have been so distant from Reid when he needed her most? She had barely tried to get in touch with him after Emily…

JJ’s phone rang, breaking her daze. 

“Hello?” She said softly, her voice seeming out of place.

“JJ? Are you okay? Hotch just got a call from the hospital… Oh my god.” Garcia’s voice cracked and there was shuffling in the background.

“JJ,” Hotch’s voice now, distant and cold, came from the other end of the phone. “The whole team is headed over to the hospital- do you need us to pick you up?”

JJ stood frozen for a minute, staring at the couch in front of her.

“JJ?” Hotch repeated.

“Oh,” She shook her head and turned the door knob. “No, that’s okay. I’ll meet you guys there.” She stepped into the hallway and looked down at the pile of her purse remnants. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah…” JJ took a deep breath, “Yeah. See you guys soon.” She bent down to gather her things and slowly made her way to the staircase just outside of Reid’s door. 

A rush of guilt flooded her and she gripped to the railing to the staircase as her legs weakened beneath her. Tears started streaming again and she gripped the staircase tighter.

Taking heaving breaths, she buried her head in her hands as she sat on the top stair.

_ /I have to get to the hospital,/ _ she told herself, but couldn’t get her legs to let her stand up.

\-----

The team rushed through the doors and into the bright, bustling environment of the hospital. Hotch took long strides to the desk and quickly began talking to the receptionist as the rest of the team took seats in the waiting area.

All of their faces were stricken with worry. Garcia was holding back sobs, tears still streaming down her cheeks, Derek paced back and forth across the small holding area. 

Hotch slowly began walking back to the group of agents. Penelope sprang out of her seat and opened her eyes wide at Hotch, waiting for news. Any news.

When Hotch stepped in closer, he took a deep breath. “He’s stable, but he’s sleeping.” 

“Oh my god” Garcia sobbed and wrapped her hands around Derek. “When can we see him?”

“He needs to wake up first, then they want to give him a psych evaluation,” Hotch said quietly. Derek nodded in understanding and grabbed Garcia’s hands. Together, the two sat back down.

A few minutes later, JJ, face streaked with tears, rushed through the doors. 

Derek stood and greeted her half way across the floor, telling her the news. JJs arms sprang around him and she felt the wait lift from her soldiers. He was okay.

\-----

The periodic beep of the heart monitor slowly crept into Reid’s senses as he came to.

The lights were off, window shades drawn, leaving him only the dim light to decipher his surroundings. It wasn’t hard for him to figure out where he was though; a small bedside table beside him, white walls, flooring, blankets, and a tinge of disinfectant in the air. 

A quiet knock on the door interrupted his thought, and an unfamiliar head popped through the door. A woman in a white coat, black hair tied back in a messy bun, walked in, clipboard in hand.

“Mind if I open these?” She smiled softly, walking over to the windows.

Reid nodded, unable to get words out- his throat was sore and dry.

“Great,” after letting a bit of soft early morning light sift through the blinds, the lady pulled a chair up beside the foot of Reid’s bed, facing him. “I’m Dr. Parvati, but please feel free to call me Marissa.” She smiled gently again and pulled a pen out of her jacket pocket. “So…” She looked down at her clipboard, “Spencer, mind if I ask you a few questions?”

Spencer shook his head and cleared his throat, “No, go ahead.” 

She clicked her pen and set it to the top of the page on her clipboard, “Alright, you are a white male, 29, and work in the behavioral analysis unit for the FBI?” 

“Yes, yeah.” Reid nodded and pushed himself up against the back of the bed.

“Do you or your family have any history with physical or mental illness?”

“Uh..” Reid started, “my mom has schizophrenia and early onset dementia…”  
“Okay.” She scribbled some notes onto her paper. Reid rubbed his forehead. The light was starting to make his eyes ache.

“Tell me, how have your stress levels been, have you been satisfied with where you’re at in life right now?

Reid blinked a few times, hoping to lessen the ache, “It’s been alright, I’ve been okay. A friend of mine recently passed so that’s been… stressful.”

“I’m so sorry. What happened?” She continued to scratch down notes.

“She was stabbed, on- on the job.” Reid’s voice cracked and he shifted around in the bed a little more. “I’m- I’m sorry. Could I get some water?”

“Oh, of course.” She stood and crossed to the cabinets to grab a small paper cup, then into the bathroom branching off of the room. Reid looked at the clipboard on her chair and reached over to grab then frantically scanned it.

_ 24 hour suicide watch _ ☑

Reid quickly set the clipboard back onto her chair as Dr. Parvati walked back into the room. She smiled and handed him the glass.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding,” He laughed, “I’m not- I mean I  _ wasn’t trying  _ to- to / _ kill/ _ myself, or anything.

She looked at him with raised eyebrows, “Oh, oh no, of course not! We just have to run through all the possibilities when someone overdoses.”

“Well, I’m telling you right now, it was an accident.” His voice grew louder with each word.

“I just have to complete this form before we can release you, sir.” Dr. Parvati took a step back.

“Nothing needs to be complete, because I don’t need to be here!” He yelled and threw his cup across the room, hitting his doctor in the chest.

“I’m going to take a step out,” she said calmly, “we’ll finish this when you calm down.”

“When / _ I/  _ calm down? Me?” He shouted as she closed the door behind her.

Spencer took a few heaving breaths, realizing what he’d done. He buried his head in his hands. He had messed up, not just then, but the moment he pulled the vile out of his drawer. And now, it was too late to go back.


	4. Blame

“Reid…” JJ poked her head through the door. He looked up at her, and she rushed over to his side, “It’s so great to see you!”

“You too,” He tried to smile, “Thanks for coming.”

“Oh my god, of course,” She grabbed his hand and looked him up and down. Her friend looked barely better than he had when she had found him alone in his apartment. “Are you- How are you feeling?” She asked.

“I’m fine,” He said, lingering on his final word.

“But…?” JJ urged.

He sighed, “My head feels like it might explode, I can’t decide if I’m burning up or freezing cold, they put me on suicide watch, and I… I yelled at the doctor who was trying to give me my psych evaluation.”

“Oh, Spence,” JJ tried to take his hand again, but he kept moving it away, “No one blames you for  _ /any/ _ of this. You’ve been through so much.” She smiled gently at him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Spencer turned his head away from her, “We’ve  _ /all/ _ been through so much but everyone else dealt with it and I… I” He could feel tears starting to rise in his eyes. He tilted his head back in attempt to keep them from rolling down, but they welled out.

“Spence, it’s okay. We should’ve been there for you, all of us. We got so swept up in our own grief we failed to look out for everyone else…”

“You shouldn’t have had to be there for me,” He shook his head, “But if you guys hadn't shown up when you did, well,” Spencer smoothed out the blanket covering his legs.

“Hey big guy,” One side of Derek’s mouth curled up as he popped his head into the room, “Mind if I join you two?”

“Hey,” Spencer quickly wiped his cheek, “Is the whole team here?”

Derek glanced at JJ, who nodded.

“Yeah, the rest of them are all waiting outside, we just…”

“Wanted to take it easy at first,” JJ finished.

Reid nodded and rubbed his arm, for the first time taking notice of the small scabs right under where his elbow creased. He glanced up at Derek, who was looking at them too, and quickly pushed his arm under the blankets.

He cleared his throat, “Well I’m okay if they all want to come in.”

Now JJ looked at Derek for reassurance. He shrugged and turned to invite in the rest of the team. As Garcia walked through the doors, her makeup was streaked and he could tell she was barely holding back the rest of her tears. Rossi and Hotch filed in afterwards, both struggling to conceal the worry and hurt behind their smiles.

“We’re glad you’re okay, kid.” Rossi gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. Spencer bowed his head, “I’m sorry,” He whispered after a long pause. Garcia let out a loud sob and quickly covered her mouth.

“No one’s blaming you-” Hotch began.

“But you should,” Reid filled the room with shaking heads, each of his team members trying to find something to say. “I’m the one that made these, these choices!” He threw his arms out, looking around the room. “And all I did was bring all of you guys more stress and worry than you already had. I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry.”

Hotch nodded, “It’s okay, just… get better.” He walked out of the room, and Garcia quickly followed behind him.

“Kid, we all care about you,” Derek started, “And you know we do, and you know we’re here for you, no matter what, so  _ /talk/ _ to us, alright?”

Spencer nodded and wiped at his eyes again.

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” JJ wrapped her arms around his shoulder, pulling away with a kiss on his cheek. They waved and left the room, leaving Reid alone with himself again.

He reached for the remote on the table beside him, noticing his hands were trembling. He steadied the remote, grasping it with two hands, fumbling for the power button.

“Hi again…” The doctor from before skeptically walked back into the room. Reid dropped the remote into his lap and groaned, “You had some friends visit?” Reid nodded.

“Great, great,” She smiled her same gentle smile, “You feeling up to continue?” She waved the clipboard in the air. He nodded again.

“Okay, so, we left off with your friend who recently passed,” She gently put the pen back on the paper, “You said you’ve been really stressed recently. How’ve you been coping?”

Reid looked over her shoulder, “I think you know,” He let out softly.

She nodded and scribbled something on her paper, “And, other than stressed, how’ve you been doing?”

Reid shook his head, “Not great,”

She wrote more, “Could you elaborate on that?”

“Uhm…” He scratched the back of his head, “I guess I’ve just been feeling, alone? Abandoned.” He stopped, she kept writing. Once her pen stopped moving, she continued to look down at her paper, not speaking.

“Afraid of being left by myself,” He felt forced to fill the silence.

Her head bobbed up and down, almost reflexively it seemed.

“Okay Spencer, last few questions,” She smiled and looked up at him, “It’s important you feel like you can answer these truthfully, can you do that for me?”

“Uh, sure, yeah…” He swallowed.

“Did you mean to overdose?” She looked back at her clipboard.

“No! No I didn’t, I just got… distracted… got the dosage confused, I s’pose,”

“Do you recognize, now, how dangerous this is, and are you looking to break this streak?”

“Yes, yes for sure,” He confirmed and she checked a box, then smiled.

“Great, that’s all looking great Spencer,” She stood and started walking towards the door, “I’m going to send in a coordinator for our rehab program, they should be in with you soon.”

Reid nodded and watched her leave the room. A bead of sweat dripped from his forehead as he shivered beneath his blankets. He gripped the remote with his shaking hands again and managed to hit the power button. The quiet noises of Sunday morning cartoons drifted through the room, letting Reid finally breathe.

He stared up at the TV, waiting for the next person to arrive.

Like he had been called, a small, mousy man walked knocked on the doorway as he stepped in.

“Hello!” He squeaked, “Dr. Reid, is it?” He nodded, “Grand! I’m Jeremy Fletcher, I work in the rehab facility upstairs.” He scurried over to the chair in front of Spencer’s bed and pulled it closer so that he could lay out a number of papers and pamphlets on his Reid’s legs. “So, Dr. Reid,” He cleared his throat and scuffled through some papers, “We have a few options for you.”

Reid nodded and accepted the papers with uneasy hands. 

“You can have time to read through them if you like,” He began to sit back, and Reid scanned through them in seconds, “I would suggest really looking at them, just so you know the bes-”

“I did.”

“You- you did?”

Reid nodded.

“Like, you  _ /read/ _ through them… all… just now?”

He nodded again.

“Oh wow, okay, oh…. Okay,” He scooched forward in his seat again. “So… okay wow... It looks like the one your doctor suggested for you was our in house 72 hour program, with supervised NA meetings, how does that sound to you?”

Reid nodded, “And once I finish that I can go back to work?”

“Yes,” He looked down at his papers, “After your first NA meeting you can go back part time, with full supervision, given your doctor grants you permission… and after 6 months of NA meetings and no slip ups, you should be able to go back full time.” He smiled up at him. “Sound like a plan?”

Reid bobbed his head, “Sure thing!”

“I’ll call for you transfer,” He stood and collected the papers, “They’ll be coming to get you soon!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and each chapter is just getting short and shorter, aren't they...


End file.
